on life and suicide

07Jan07

I was thinking about life, while driving home, listening to The Spill Canvas on my ipod, and the song “Self Conclusion” came on.

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

That’s the chorus. I love the song, actually, I love the whole album, and its all I’ve been playing recently.

But it made me stop and think about the times when I was really depressed, and my parents shoved me into counseling, because they were worried that I might actually do something stupid, but even then when everything hurt, and it took me years to explain to a friend why I didn’t tell her at the time, I wasn’t really going to do it.

The biggest thing that kept me from killing my self when I was in high school and early in my undergrad was the idea that if I did manage to kill myself, I was going straight to hell. An eternity of that shit wasn’t worth it.

Realistically, its probably the thing that keeps me just this side of actually suicidal. I might get depressed, really depressed even, but it never goes beyond that, which is kind of comforting, in its own weird way.

But it makes me wonder about people who do kill themselves. Sin is all about culpability and knowledge. Is it possible, when you’re that depressed to not know that suicide is a sin? I have to believe it is, and that believing in a compassionate God, someone who really is that fucked up can’t know what they’re doing, so they have to get some kind of break…right?

The counseling didn’t help. It just made me a better liar.

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