depression

27Sep07

I’m beginning to think that slightly depressed may be the normal working order for me. Its not that I’m really depressed, just I’m not ever happy. I can be content, and I can laugh a lot, but really truly happy, even in moments when I know I should probably be, I’m not.

And I’ve got wicked insomnia lately, which has always been a sign of depression for me.

It doesn’t help that I don’t know how I’m paying for all of school yet, nor do I think I’ll graduate when I want to. And the first anniversary of Gram’s death is on Tuesday. Bob asked me if we went to the grave on the anniversary, and honestly, I never have in the past, but I think its something I’d like to start now.

Only, I have to work on Tuesday, and I can’t. Unless I went before work. Which would never happen, because I sleep though the alarm almost every morning because I’m not sleeping when I go to bed, and the cemetery is clear across town.

I’m not sure what to do about the depression feeling. The last time I saw someone, I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a fork.

I don’t feel particularly better about the idea this time. But the big difference is this time, I’m not suicidal.

And that time I was.

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Tags: death, suicide